In the year of our Lord, 2015

I know what you are about to say...
You are going to say, "give it time" or "take a deep breath, it will be ok eventually" but I honestly don't want to hear that.

I KNOW that in 20, 10, maybe even 5 years, my life will be going significantly better then it is right now. I will probably have a stable, decent paying job using the skills and knowledge I have acquired over the years. My house will not be falling down around me, nor will it be located in an area where neighbors doing drugs out number those with legitimate jobs. I imagine, I will be driving a vehicle w/o the "check engine" light on and one that doesn't cost more monthly as my house payment/rent. I'm not positive, but I hope that during that time in my life, I will be able to look back and remember this time of life and think, "I'm glad I held on. I'm glad I finished my degree and let God take me through those trials. I see why what happened, happened." I really hope that's what happens, because that hope is what I have left.



I was thinking tonight about my schooling. I had so much encouragement from family, friends, classmates, and professors. Those words of encouragement were what kept me going when many times I just wanted to "forget" to enroll for the next semester and let myself have a "break" from all that work. Those encouraging words led me to believe that w/ an education, with a degree, I would be better off. My family would be better off. My life would be different. Isn't that what we are ALL taught? Well that encouragement and hope has evaporated as quickly as graduation day came to a close. I feel like my bachelor's degree is my cab fare and last night's date said, "Thanks for the promissory notes, we had a great time but we don't really do the lingering overnight thing...wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Maybe we will see ya around again sometime? At the next Alumni Banquet? Don't forget your donation!"
The ONLY job offer I have received, I took. I work at a job that I like, with people I love and I make $8.50/hr. Every day that I work, I lose at least $5. I am paying somebody $5 to work. I'm not joking.

Each day is getting more difficult and I find myself questioning my sanity. Why in the world did I drag my babies to that library and force them to be silent until it closed at midnight so I could go to group meetings while Josh worked nights in order to pay the bills? Why did I enroll and begin classes again just weeks after losing my son? Why did I schedule an emergency surgery for a later date in order to miss only one day of class? So I could pay $5/day and have someone else take care of my children?

Today, May 29th, 2010, I don't care one bit that my life will be better on May 29th, 2015. I do care that on this night, I can't sleep (for the second night in a row) because I am stuck in this house that is quite literally falling in around me, only to escape on the weekdays via my van w/ it's screaming engine light to a job where I smile and pretend that I'm so happy and thankful for each and every one of those 8.5 dollars/hour.
Is this what I worked for? In short, the answer is, "no"... but that fixes absolutely nothing right now.

I am not a woe-is-me kinda person...at least I don't like to think I am. So I will sign off of this note, head to my careerbuilder.com and craigslist.org and apply for some more jobs. After all, 2015 will come soon...